Self Sabotage
Mind Lesson Five - Self Sabotage
Behaviour is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in our life and interferes with long-standing goals. Common self-sabotaging behaviours include procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol and binge or comfort eating. More subtle ones are perfectionism, overthinking, disorganisation, negative and critical thinking. These acts may seem helpful, and relief from whatever it is you are trying to escape from in the moment, but they ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly.
This is really your subconscious trying to protect you, prevent pain and deal with deep-seated fear. The mind feels safe in what it already knows and has used in the past, and will tend to repeat what it thinks has gotten you through something. But the result of self-sabotage is that we hesitate instead of seizing new challenges. We forgo our dreams and goals. In the end, we know we are not achieving, but we don’t truly understand why. Or if we do we beat ourselves up about it, which only makes it worse.
Most self sabotage are habits, that are a temporary escape or coping mechanism from an emotion or something that is challenging us and we tend to do them mindlessly, only recognising the damage during or after the habit is occurring. However, we cannot overcome something unless we grow through it, constantly using these habits to escape will make the challenge or problem worse or you will never get to your goal. It is important to bring self sabotage into the light and see it for what it really is and what it represents.
Where are these behaviours coming from? Most of the time its a deeper issue with your beliefs and identity and the “I can’t do this” or “I am not worthy of this” tapes that play through your mind.
To get closer to the heart of self sabotage we need to look into our Self Talk, our state and self awareness.
SELF TALK
Everyone has an inner dialogue that is often chattering away, and most people actually confuse this voice as themselves. The truth is your mind is always thinking, analysing, taking in stimulus and making sense of the world around it and then chatting away to you. But this isn’t actually you, it’s not your true deepest self speaking, it is your mind which is a tool for you to use to see the world. You have control over your mind to use it for your benefit, growth and happiness. The two main ways the voice can be are a negative CRITIC voice or a positive CREATOR voice.
CRITIC: A critical, negative voice that analyses, breaks down and sees everything as a problem. While this voice can be useful for critical awareness and knowing what may need change it is a negative place to grow from. Being in this voice constantly is like having an angry, mean bully inside your head all day every day, berating you on everything you do, say, think, see. This voice reinforces negative beliefs, wants you to stay in the now and is fearful of the future or growth. It wants to preserve what it knows. Most of the time when you are in fight of flight mode, stressed, depleted or tired you have a critic tape playing in your head and vice versa. Having a critic in your head all the time reinforces being in a negative state.
CREATOR: The creator voice is your inner cheerleader and the voice of growth, development, play and happiness. This is the voice that reinforces positive self belief, motivation, discipline and compassion. This aligns with being in a parasympathetic state, when you are rested, centred, calm and healthy. The creator voice is very resilient to external sources and holdfast on your values and beliefs. It also gives and receives love freely. Having a creator voice in the mind also reinforces a positive state no matter what is happening externally.
While it can be helpful to have the critic there when you are wanting to look hard at yourself for self-development, having that voice there on the daily is like having someone stand next to you and tell you that you suck at everything. Which will not achieve anything, and in fact make you perform worse. Most of us constantly have a critic inside our heads, which if we are not aware of it, and it reinforces self sabotage.
Luckily you have the power to change the way you speak to yourself.
DISARMING THE CRITIC VOICE
When you catch your inner dialogue going on a negative rampage, take time to pause, and steer it back towards the creator.
Ask yourself the price of believing these criticisms and how they sabotage you (on your work, your relationships, your level of well being) – are you prepared to keep paying the price, or do you want to make a difference?
Affirm your worth to counter the critic. This can be hard to do if you are used to thinking about negative things about yourself. Give yourself the task of noticing what you do well, the good moments you have and pay attention to these.
Remind yourself of the illusion of the critic – criticising yourself doesn’t motivate you to do better, it just makes you feel so bad that you can’t do anything. Also, anticipating rejection and failure doesn’t make it any easier to cope with it if it happens – it just makes you feel bad before and after
WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF TALK
There are many ways you can develop a creator inner dialogue. It will take practise and awareness, but will stop self sabotage
Look After Yourself - The first reason why your inner voice may be full of thunderclouds is that you are not mentally and physically healthy and fulfilled. Make sure you are looking after yourself, getting enough sleep, drinking water, getting exercise.
Practise Gratitude - The chances of you being you are so very slim. You are a straight up miracle that you even exist, let alone with the talents and presence you bring to the world. Now that is something to be in awe of. On the path to self acceptance, regular gratitude and appreciation does wonders to keep you grounded. A grateful heart is thankful. Feeling grateful for anything increases it’s perceived value, which means you can also do this for yourself.
Change the Statement - An inner voice is just that, a voice. Changing the feeling and statement around your challenge can change the attitude towards it. For example, if you feel a bit jittery about an speaking event, instead of saying "I'm nervous, I always stuff up and I fail and.." You can say, "I am excited and grateful for this opportunity and challenge, it is a great way for me to grow". Or if you are judging yourself on how you look, with negative jabs at your appearance or your abilities, instead focus on what you love about your body, what you are proud of and drop the perfectionistic standards. Remember thinking negatively about yourself isn’t going to change it, it will only reinforce excessive control and then self sabotage, which will do the opposite to helping! Catching a negative thought and switching the perspective can quickly change your attitude from a critic to a creator. It is a practise, but remember your brain cannot distinguish a thought from reality, so making your thoughts positive will become your reality!
Choose Your Attitude - You can choose how you show up each day. There can only be one thought in your mind at a time. And the way you react to a situation is your choice. You can choose to overreact, be dramatic or take responsibility and choose a positive attitude. Being aligned with yourself is a better way to have a good day, so go back and reassess your life goals, and what you want to do, and do more of what makes you happy. Take responsibility for your happiness!
Be Aware of Emotions and Express Them - In case you don’t already know, repressing and hiding your emotions is a recipe for an emotional explosion and physical manifestations of stress. Learning to talk, physically express, let go and understand you emotions will help you to grow through situations that may have triggered self sabotaging events.
Choose Your Circle - While it is important to have strength within yourself, it is very important to choose wisely who you spend time with. Negative people who pull you down are just as able to disempower you as your inner critic voice. You are the sum of the 5 people closest to you, so make sure to actively search for positive, uplifting people. If you can't find any, listening to audiobooks, podcasts can serve as that positive influence as well as hiring a coach, counsellor or mentor to talk to. Funnily enough, as you grow you will notice more amazing people will come into your life! Remember that you attract what you project. This also includes cutting toxic people and relationships out, our reducing your exposure if they are unavoidable. It will be brutal to begin but you will open up space in your life for more positive people to enter.
Meditate Regularly - Meditating and practising mindfulness is an amazing way to quieten the crazy, overwhelming thoughts and calming the mind. It encourages the creator voice to come out and play.
Working on improving your self talk is key to working through self sabotage.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT SELF SABOTAGE
What helps is awareness, accountability and compassion for yourself. Answer these questions to highlight where you are self sabotaging and what you will do about it!
What areas of my life am I struggling to progress in?
What are the self sabotaging behaviours that are affecting my progress?
What is the underlying emotion, problem, challenge that I am escaping from?
What is a healthier way I can overcome or express this emotion, problem or challenge?
How can I be aware of when I am going to initiate this self-sabotaging habit when the emotion, problem or challenge arises and what will I do instead?
Then stay accountable, with your habits and intention to switch the behaviours. With conscious attention, the behaviours will improve and with it, your confidence and worth in yourself!