The Spectrum of Self Talk
All of us have a little voice in our mind that is chattering away to us. Every second, our brains take in billions of bits of information, which is an overwhelming amount. So, our brain filters this information through our current beliefs about the world to make sense of what is happening around us. Often this becomes the dialogue in our mind and is the way we make sense about our reality.
Now, generally that inner voice can be on a spectrum from a cheerleader, seeing all the hope and opportunities around you, to a critic, seeing only what is wrong or needs to be fixed.
Both of these are useful and have their time and place. The cheerleader helps us to move through difficulties, remain resilient and see the opportunities around us, and generally helps you to move towards healthy habits, lifestyle choices and self image. While the critic helps us to see what may not be working and what needs action, but too much encourages self-sabotage, paralysis by analysis and critical self image.
The issue arises when your self talk is heavily polarised towards the critic, constantly analysing the world around you and yourself.
Self talk, like many behaviours, is a habit. So here are some tips to help you to work on your habit of healthy self talk.
Changing Unhealthy Self-Talk:
1. Change Your State: Pay your energy into getting into a relaxed state. When your body is in fight or flight mode and is stressed, less blood flow is going to the creative side of the brain, mainly the deeper survival parts. This means you are more likely to see “danger” and “threat” around you, rather than peace and happiness. In a rest and digest state (your parasympathetic state), your cognition is more relaxed. To get into a parasympathetic state, you must focus on breathing deeply into your belly, and this activates the nerve that sends the signal to your brain that “all is safe”, even 10 minutes of deep breathing can help your self talk swing towards a healthier state. I can tell when I am getting too stressed or sympathetic as I begin to become more critical of myself or judgemental of others, and this isn’t a state that I find healthy.
2. Awareness of the Statements: Become aware that these statements are occuring. Generally the most unhealthy are ultimatum statements using the words “always/never” e.g “I’m always so bad at…” “I never do this right…”, These statements are very polarised and give no leeway for any evidence otherwise which can stoke what is called confirmation bias, where you refuse to see any evidence otherwise than what you believe.
To raise awareness, take note of the critical self talk, and note them down without judging what they say. (Be conscious not to suddenly say, “oh no, I always make these statements”, as you can see what is happening there!)
3. Have Compassion and Forgive Yourself: Most of the time we are thinking this way because a need isn’t being met or a belief that you developed early on, and our inner voice is stoked by emotion. Let yourself express your emotions and have forgiveness and compassion for yourself. Talk through, physically express and let go of what is repressed in you helps with the atmosphere in your mind. What can also help is speaking to yourself as if to a friend, even asking yourself “Why do YOU feel this way”, rather than “Why am I feeling this way”.
4. Release: Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Once you are aware of your statements and you forgive yourself for them, allow yourself to let go of your vice grip of these statements!
5. Align: Choose to say statements to yourself that are aligned with who you want to be. Using less extreme statements if possible, “I get to to this…”, “ I can do this…” “I choose to do this…” “It is like me to....” This change in perspective aligns with what you want to do.
Get into the habit of when you first notice the heavy thoughts coming in, of taking a moment to breathe and reinforce the statements that are aligned with what you want to be. Over time, your inner voice should have a much healthier atmosphere and this will be much easier.
Nourishing Healthy Self talk:
After being aware of the habit of your self talk and making the changes, here are a few ways to maintain a healthy internal environment that nourishes a cheerleader!
Look After Yourself - The first reason why your inner voice may be full of thunderclouds is that you are not mentally and physically healthy and fulfilled. Make sure you are looking after yourself, getting enough sleep, drinking water, getting exercise.
Practise Gratitude - Regular gratitude and appreciation does wonders to keep you grounded. Feeling grateful for anything increases it’s perceived value, which means you can also do this for yourself. When feeling grateful, it is very hard to feel critical or disappointed, which can cause the unnecessary critic voice to come crashing in.
Celebrate what you Love - When you do something that is aligned with who you want to be, no matter how small, celebrate it and pour love on it! The positive reinforcement from yourself makes you more sure on the habits that you want to do, that help you lead a more aligned life.
Switch your Perspective - Changing the perspective and statement around your challenge can change the attitude towards it. For example, if you feel a bit jittery about a speaking event, instead of saying "I'm nervous, I always stuff up and I fail and.." You can say, "I am excited and grateful for this opportunity and challenge, it is a great way for me to grow". Or if you are judging yourself on how you look, with negative jabs at your appearance or your abilities, instead focus on what you love about your body, what you are proud of and drop the perfectionistic standards. You can choose to see the situation from any angle. Thinking negatively about yourself isn’t going to change it, it will only reinforce excessive control and then self-sabotage, which will do the opposite to helping! Instead, catching a critical thought and switching the perspective can quickly change your attitude from a critic to a cheerleader. It is a practise, but seeing the other perspective can help massively with your inner dialogue around the situation.
Reinforce the beliefs that you want - You can choose how you show up each day. There can only be one thought in your mind at a time. And the way you react to a situation is your choice. Being aligned with yourself is a better way to have a good day, so go back and reassess your life goals, and what you want to do, and do more of what makes you happy. Take responsibility for your happiness!